Before I start this story I’ll give you a brief intro to my friend Willow.
Willow and I have been friends for 20 years. We were assigned at roommates in college and, to be honest, I was none to happy about it. I had transferred to this particular college after 3 years at a community college (where I was trying to find myself…I’m still looking) and she was a freshman. Do you understand? I was 21 and she was 18. HORRORS!!! What would I have in common with an 18 year old??? I actually told her that if I didn’t like her I would get rid of her. Can you believe that? I didn’t mean I would tie her to a block of cement and sink her in a lake or anything. She often brings the conversation up to me and it teeters on being embarrassing. I was a real bitch!
Anyway I was able to overlook her young, young age and we became fast friends. Unfortunately we now live about 500 miles away from one another but we’re still as close as ever.
A little about Willow: she owns her own home, has a stress-inducing management postion working for a group that literally makes money from assholes, owns a cat who is 9 parts cat and one part devil, is very grounded in her life and her religion, and is very close to her family. She’s one of those people that is truly charitable to her soul. When the lightning strikes I want to make sure I’m standing near Willow because her chances of being striken down are naught. Oh yeah…she's also short and stacked and has the most hilarious and sometimes amazing things happen to her. She doesn’t seek this craziness—it finds her.
Anyhoo on with the story….
Let me start out by saying that every woman I know has an almost crack addict-type addiction to Yankee Candle. We walk through the door and get all jumpy and fidgety like an addict needing her next fix. None of us has had to take to the street corners to be able to afford this addiction yet but only because of sales and coupons.
So Willow went on a little shopping excursion this weekend and ended up at Yankee Candle (I can hear Gomer Pyle saying, “Surprise. Surprise. Surprise.”). As she’s browsing the sweet, aromatic goodness of the store, she is approached by a man. (Men in Yankee Candle are nothing new but they’re typically outnumberd by women at a 10 to 1 ratio.) Apparently, this guy was not only hitting on her but was also somewhat of a paranoid homophobe. He said something like, “I like candles and just because I like candles doesn’t mean I’m that way.”
Okay lets stop here and analyze the pick up line.
He says, “I like candles but just because I like candles doesn’t mean I’m that way.” Okay,…he could have tried something like, “I’m trying to pick out some candles and could use a woman’s opinion. What are your favorites?” or “Can you give me some help picking out some candles? I really don’t know what I want’" But nooooooooo he goes straight for the I-like-candles-and-I’m-not-gay line. That is so hot!
Wait a minute…I need to lay down now and recover from this one for a minute. Why would he think that would attract my friend Willow? Granted she explained to me that she was decked out in the “granny jeans and granny sneakers” , which I’m sure was not a super sexy look, but that still gives him no excuse to try a lame line like that on her.
She pretty much ignored him so he then proceeded to tell her that he has a great idea for a new candle scent….peanut butter. Even though it sounds orgasm-inducing, yummy to me she replied that she didn’t think it was a good idea because if she smelled peanut butter it would just make her want to eat. Then she walked off. If he ever had a chance with her, which I don't think he did, he had completely lost her.
Since he was making absolutely no strides in attracting Willow he turned his amazing charm to the sales girls. To them he repeats his great idea for a new candle scent and then adds, “….and you know what I would do with it? I would put it in a tree to attract deer and when they come around….BAM BAM BAM! I would shoot them.”
Whoa….time for a second analysis….
He’s moved on from saying he’s not gay to alluding ot the fact that he’s a testosterone-filled raging heterosexual who would lure a deer to an area with a candle so he could shoot it. Pardon my language but that is a f**king ridiculous way of touting your manliness. What was he going to suggest next? A candle that smelled like balls?? I’m surprised that he didn’t start to rape and pillage right there in Yankee Candle to prove his manhood.
Needless to say, he got nowhere with any woman in the store. Maybe he moved on to Victoria Secret. Can you imagine him there. I like bras but just because I like bras doesn’t mean I’m like that…..
Willow and I have been friends for 20 years. We were assigned at roommates in college and, to be honest, I was none to happy about it. I had transferred to this particular college after 3 years at a community college (where I was trying to find myself…I’m still looking) and she was a freshman. Do you understand? I was 21 and she was 18. HORRORS!!! What would I have in common with an 18 year old??? I actually told her that if I didn’t like her I would get rid of her. Can you believe that? I didn’t mean I would tie her to a block of cement and sink her in a lake or anything. She often brings the conversation up to me and it teeters on being embarrassing. I was a real bitch!
Anyway I was able to overlook her young, young age and we became fast friends. Unfortunately we now live about 500 miles away from one another but we’re still as close as ever.
A little about Willow: she owns her own home, has a stress-inducing management postion working for a group that literally makes money from assholes, owns a cat who is 9 parts cat and one part devil, is very grounded in her life and her religion, and is very close to her family. She’s one of those people that is truly charitable to her soul. When the lightning strikes I want to make sure I’m standing near Willow because her chances of being striken down are naught. Oh yeah…she's also short and stacked and has the most hilarious and sometimes amazing things happen to her. She doesn’t seek this craziness—it finds her.
Anyhoo on with the story….
Let me start out by saying that every woman I know has an almost crack addict-type addiction to Yankee Candle. We walk through the door and get all jumpy and fidgety like an addict needing her next fix. None of us has had to take to the street corners to be able to afford this addiction yet but only because of sales and coupons.
So Willow went on a little shopping excursion this weekend and ended up at Yankee Candle (I can hear Gomer Pyle saying, “Surprise. Surprise. Surprise.”). As she’s browsing the sweet, aromatic goodness of the store, she is approached by a man. (Men in Yankee Candle are nothing new but they’re typically outnumberd by women at a 10 to 1 ratio.) Apparently, this guy was not only hitting on her but was also somewhat of a paranoid homophobe. He said something like, “I like candles and just because I like candles doesn’t mean I’m that way.”
Okay lets stop here and analyze the pick up line.
He says, “I like candles but just because I like candles doesn’t mean I’m that way.” Okay,…he could have tried something like, “I’m trying to pick out some candles and could use a woman’s opinion. What are your favorites?” or “Can you give me some help picking out some candles? I really don’t know what I want’" But nooooooooo he goes straight for the I-like-candles-and-I’m-not-gay line. That is so hot!
Wait a minute…I need to lay down now and recover from this one for a minute. Why would he think that would attract my friend Willow? Granted she explained to me that she was decked out in the “granny jeans and granny sneakers” , which I’m sure was not a super sexy look, but that still gives him no excuse to try a lame line like that on her.
She pretty much ignored him so he then proceeded to tell her that he has a great idea for a new candle scent….peanut butter. Even though it sounds orgasm-inducing, yummy to me she replied that she didn’t think it was a good idea because if she smelled peanut butter it would just make her want to eat. Then she walked off. If he ever had a chance with her, which I don't think he did, he had completely lost her.
Since he was making absolutely no strides in attracting Willow he turned his amazing charm to the sales girls. To them he repeats his great idea for a new candle scent and then adds, “….and you know what I would do with it? I would put it in a tree to attract deer and when they come around….BAM BAM BAM! I would shoot them.”
Whoa….time for a second analysis….
He’s moved on from saying he’s not gay to alluding ot the fact that he’s a testosterone-filled raging heterosexual who would lure a deer to an area with a candle so he could shoot it. Pardon my language but that is a f**king ridiculous way of touting your manliness. What was he going to suggest next? A candle that smelled like balls?? I’m surprised that he didn’t start to rape and pillage right there in Yankee Candle to prove his manhood.
Needless to say, he got nowhere with any woman in the store. Maybe he moved on to Victoria Secret. Can you imagine him there. I like bras but just because I like bras doesn’t mean I’m like that…..
Thanks for sharing the story, Willow!!!
Chick out….
Absolutely hilarious!
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