Sharts, zombies, and various other Nonsense

The other night I dreamed that I was trying to get my friend Willow to go in halfsy with me to buy a piece of property to build a cabin on. While we were looking around, I sat on a tree stump and farted and shat my pants. So I actually sharted. The realtor was there and I was afraid she would smell me. She never did...or she acted like she didn't smell me.

Then.. we ended up in a store with our friends Talullah and Leilani. Willow was telling me she couldn't afford her half of the $500 per month it would cost to buy the property and I was trying to figure out how I could swing the entire amount. We were looking at used books at the time.

Then...I was somehow transported to a restaurant in my hometown where I talked to a man that I used to work with here in Maryland. Then a guy whom I went to high school with crept over beside me, sat down, and layed his head on my shoulder.

Then...I got up and went in a back room where they were decorating for a baby shower. I looked around and thought, 'These are the cheapest decorations I've ever seen." Talullah was there and as we walked out of the room we encountered another guy we went to high school with. She hugged him and I ignored him. I was afraid I had offended him.

Then...I decided to take a shower (remember I did shit my pants a while back) but the shower stalls were in the middle of the restaurant and the shower curtains were too tiny to cover me. I decided to keep my clothes on and wash only my hair. Three men were watching me and I yelled at them. I finished washing my hair but my pants were still full of shit.

Then...Willow, Leilani, Talullah and I all ended up together again and we left the restaurant. As we got in our car (a Thing...remember those?) we were attacked by three zombies. I realized that one of them was only acting like a zombie so I kicked him in the face...while I was driving. I was actually steering a Thing, working the gas and break with one foot, and kicking a faux zombie in the face with another. It was like a Will Smith movie.

Then...my alarm clock went off and I woke up.

Whew!!!! This one was crazier than the one I had a few weeks ago where someone tossed a woman into the air and she turned into a human sized tongue depressor!!!

Holy shit...what is wrong with me???

Chick out...

Talullah and her sarcophagus

The technical definition of a sarcophagus is a stone coffin usually bearing sculpture or inscriptions. In the case of my friend Talullah, a sarcophagus is a structure she builds around a public commode and it’s made of toilet paper. Layers and layers of toilet paper. So much so that I envision that by the time the sarcophagus is completely built she only has to lean against it to do her business.

Poor Talullah suffers from a genetic disorder…she can’t squat or hover over a toilet seat. I’m not sure if she doesn’t have the leg strength or her legs are too short or she doesn’t have the balance or what but she cannot do it.

Have a mentioned she’s a bit of a tad bit of a germaphobe?

Did you know that cheap, single ply toilet paper will protect you against any germ or virus growing on a toilet seat? Me neither but if you use enough of it, it apparently forms a germ tight barrier between the seat and your ass, which everyone knows is the cleanest part of your body. Right?? That’s exactly why you must build the toilet paper sarcophagus...to protect the cleanliness of the part of your body that expels turds and pee.

That’s not all….oh no….

She also constructs a toilet paper mitt around her hand to wipe herself. One time we were out and had to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, there was no toilet paper in her stall. I passed her a roll that probably had enough to wipe my patootie nine or 10 times. She looked at it and said, “This isn’t enough!!”

Why does she have to encase her own hand to wipe her own ass? How does she get the toilet paper mitt off without getting “stuff” all over her hands? How many toilets has the girl clogged during her lifetime? Questions I’m not sure have answers.

So that’s my friend Talullah. She resides in a different kind of world. A world where her ass is cleaner than a public toilet but not so clean that she wants to chance ever touching it. A world where she closes the stall door on a public bathroom and whips toilet paper around like a rhythmic gymnast doing a ribbon routine at the Olympics. A warped world but she loves it there.

Chick out...

The African Ted Bundy??

This past weekend I went to one of my least favorite places in the world…Home Depot. I hate Home Depot but I’m not going to go into that here because that’s boring and has nothing to do with my story. However, for the remainder of the story I will refer to it as The Devil’s Crotch…that’s how much I hate it!!!

I specifically went to The Devil’s Crotch to pick up some plants for my backyard. I parked near a corral for carts (or buggies as we call them in the south) so I wouldn’t have to go into the store to get one. I drag the buggy out and head over to do some shopping.

As I round my car I see an employee of The Devil’s Crotch coming toward me. I smiled and said hello like I always do because I’m southern and we speak to everyone. This was his reply in a low, creepy voice with an African accent:

“I like yo figger.
Some li the boooone but some li da meat?

Translation:

“I like your figure.
Some like the bone but some like the meat.”

You’re probably wondering what I did next right? Well I just said, “Alrighty then”, walked on to the store, and bought my damned flowers.

What was I supposed to do? He reminded me of an African Ted Bundy. All he needed was a fake cast on his arm and a Volkswagen bug with the back seat taken out.

No thanks…he can like the meat all the likes he just can’t taste it.

Chick out…

Dance recitals

Late spring, early summer also known as Dance Recital Season. Those cute little girls, in those cute little outfits, doing those cute little dances. It's just precious!! Here they are dressed as little flowers, with tutus, and feathers tapping or strutting all over the stage, always with an eye off-stage to follow the dance instructor. Not a one of these really knows what she's doing but damn it she's having fun and she's cute as a button.

So on Friday at work, one of my co-workers told me he was going to his daughter's recital the next day. Not very shocking, right. Right! Except for the fact that she's about 26 years old. What the hell 26 year old woman takes dance class that has a recital?? I didn't know what to say. I think I just raised my eyebrows and nodded my head but inside my head it was like a whirlwind of craziness and an internal mantra of "weirdo...freako" over and over again.

As odd as that sounds it gets weirder. She's taking tap dance and she's also taking...belly dancing. I know that women take belly dancing for a work-out and that's okay but she was going to have a belly dancing recital!!! A recital that her parents were attending. I can't imagine shimmying around on a stage doing a fertility dance and having it witnessed by my parents. My mother might actually utter the phrase "What the fuck?" if she saw me do such a thing.

Oh but it gets weirder. Can it get weirder? Hell yeah it can!!!! Her husband takes tap dance too so he was going to be part of the recital. What the fuck kind of grown ass, straight man takes tap dance and participates in a recital???

I have sooo many questions:

Was a top hat part of his costume?

Did he actually do jazz hands?

Did he tap to Yankee Doodle Dandy?

Did he do the Lindy?

Did he swing around a light pole like Gene-Friggin-Kelly in "Singin' in the Rain"?

And most importantly....What kind of panties does he wear?

Oh my God...my head is going to explode. I know I'm country and hillbilly but adult dance recitals? Really? Grown men giving recitals? Really??

That's it! I'm taking a pole dancing class and all of y'all are invited to the recital. Don't worry...I'll be handing out blindfolds and barf bags at the door because I know it'll be gross and disgusting.

Chick shimmying and gyrating out...