It’s hard to believe that Christmas is just a handful of days away. Remember when you wrote your letters to Santa every year? I remember writing them but I have no idea what I ever asked for. I do know that I never asked for a Mod Hair Ken but I got one anyway so Santa was always up for a surprise.Every year in my tiny little hometown newspaper (both the town and the newspaper are tiny), they print the letters to Santa. I couldn’t help but laugh and be scared shitless as I read them this year.
All of the letters were written by Kindergarten and 1st grade students:
Dear Santa,
I would like a Big Rig Game and a gun. How about a pump shotgun too? I will leave you a kitten to take back to the North Pole. Oh, I need “Danger” signs too.
-BJ
What in the hell does a 6 year old need with 2 guns and danger signs??? I’m glad you're sending that kitten to the North Pole, little Jeffrey Dahmer. God knows what you'd do with it!
Dear Santa,
I would like some lipstick, a Wii, and some makeup.
-KD
Lipstick? Makeup? Your 6 years old!!! Hello future let me introduce you to a whore. Yikes!
Dear Santa,
I want a monkey and a choo choo train. I have been a very good boy.
-AS
Hell, you’ve been good enough to think you deserve a fucking monkey? Are you kidding or just delusional??
Dear Santa,
I would like a bicycle for Christmas. I want an Ipod too. Can you also bring be a BB gun? I’ll leave food for Rudolph beside the house. I wish I could have a recorder. I will leave cookies and milk for you if you will bring me some hotwheels too.
-JF
First of all, you little asshole, we’re in the middle of a fucking recession so how about you pare that list down a bit!! Oh and bribing Santa with cookies and milk to leave you some hotwheels? Shameless little bastard!!
Dear Santa,
I want a sword, a shield, cape, helmet, and horse.
-CH
What the hell are you? The fourth fucking musketeer??? I would hate to meet you riding down the road.
Dear Santa,
I want a bagugons and bendaroos and some giant crocks and a giant hat and some Nike shoes! Some Nike pants.
-JK
I don’t even know what the fuck you're asking for, kid. Bagugons and bendaroos? Are those slang names for drugs? Are you going to plant giant flowers in the giant crocks and wear the giant hat on your giant head? I guess your feet and ass aren’t giant because you didn’t specify giant shoes and pants?
Dear Santa,
I would like to have a parrot and some Legos. I will leave you some pears.
-CB
Are you related to the kid that thought he deserved the monkey??? By the way, pears are out of season. Try harder next time!!
Dear Santa,
I want a bat cave and a Lego Star Wars. That is all! Bring my dad a knife and my mom a toy.
-AC
Bring mom a toy? You want Santa to bring your mom a jack rabbit vibrator?? You'll now be her favorite kid!
Dear Santa,
I want balls you play with, an airplane, and nothing else. I will leave you peanut butter balls for a snack.
-DH
This kid would be a great case for Freud since he so damned obsessed with balls.
Dear Santa,
Please bring my Daddy a hot rod. I want drums for Christmas. I like building blocks.
-KH
Now is he saying that Daddy has erectile dysfunction or that Daddy likes men? I can’t really decide.
Dear Santa,
I want batteries and a big toy horse that I can ride.
-LF
You're gonna ride batteries? What’s wrong with you, kid?
Dear Santa,
Please bring me a hot wheel car and a bat cave with a Superman.
-BH
Sorry dumbass, Batman lives in the Bat Cave not Superman. Guess you’ll never be a member of Mensa.
Dear Santa,
Please bring me a set of drums. I also want an Indian hat and a computer. I’ll leave beans for your reindeer and cookies for you.
-RB
First of all Indians don’t wear hats. They’re called headdresses, Einstein. Second, if you feed reindeer beans, they’ll shit all over Santa somewhere over South Carolina.
Dear Santa,
I want Barbie dolls, a lot of bears, and I guess I want a lunch box. I have two but I want one with no food.
-RD
A lunchbox with no food. Isn’t that just a box???
That's about it. I'll leave you one more laugh before I blast outta here. I think this is 7 seconds of hilarity. It's my puggle once she's finished playing in the snow.
This is probably my last post before the holidays so Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!
Chick out…
