Chubby Style

I found this somewhere on the internet and believe it or not it made me smile. I had never heard of Lane Bryant's chubby line for those "girls and teens too chubby to fit into regular sizes". To me "chubby" actually sounds better than the "husky" sizes that Sears sold back in the day. And look...you could even get a Chubby Style book. What the hell do chubby girls wear these days? Oh yeah, I forgot they have to try and squeeze into the junior sizes that fit no one who isn't built like a stick. Poor things can either wear ill-fitting whore-like clothes or more comfortable old lady clothes that look just as ridiculous on them.

BRING CHUBBY STYLE BACK!!!!!!

I gotta rock!

We’ve all seen It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown….right? Everybody knows that poor Charlie Brown gets only rocks for his treats while all the other kiddos get candy, cookies, popcorn balls, etc.

Poor Charlie Brown! I feel sorry for him even though his “I gotta a rock” line cracks me up every single friggin’ time I hear it. That got me to thinking that I need to use that line!! Now every time I see someone get something great and I get shit on I’m gonna use it!!

Obnoxiously, happy person: I got a promotion!
Bitchy, single gal: I gotta rock!

Obnoxiously, happy person: I just got a brand new BMW!
Bitchy, single gal: I gotta rock!!

Obnoxiously, happy person: I got a new $4 million project!
Bitchy, single gal: I gotta a rock!

Obnoxiously, happy person: Like my leopard print heels? I got them on sale for half price!
Bitchy, single gal: I gotta…*wait a minute*…What did you say?
Obnoxiously, happy person: Half price leopard print heels!! Don't ya love them???
Bitchy, single gal: What size are they?
Obnoxiously, happy person: Size 9!! They were the last pair in my size!!
Bitchy, single gal: You take the rock this time, bitch. Gimme those damned shoes!

Hey I can only take so much! Size 9...leopard print heels…half price? You understand, right?????

Happy Halloween and avoid the damned rocks!!

Chick out...

Armed and dangerous???

I've flown a bajillion times since 9/11. Prior to that date you could skip through security with bags full of knives and guns and wooden barrels marked "TNT". I sort of miss those days and here's why...

Tuesday I headed to the airport to fly down to Alabama. As I went through security, I set off the metal detectors. I turned around and headed back through and again and set it off once again.

The guy working there called one of the ladies over to pat me down. She immediately looked at me and said, "It's your bra isn't it, honey?"

Yep, you got it. My big ole bra set off the damned metal detectors! Unfortunately, this isn't the first time. My bra has wires enormous enough for the Flying Wallendas to walk across. I'm not joking...it takes a lot of architectural stabilization to hold my knockers.

So while I'm going through the wanding and pat down, my purse and shoes go on through the x-ray machine. One of the guys working the x-ray looked at me, pointed to my lovely, stylishly, fabulous leopard print purse, and asked, "Is this your purse?" Oh...Shit...I knew what was coming next.

They found one of the Swiss Army knives that I normally carry in my purse. Luckily I had removed the other one (that had been my father's) the night before. By this point, I looked like a hillbilly terrorist trying to take down BWI airport with a bra and a knife.

To be honest, I think my bra could be considered more dangerous than a knife. I mean I could strangle a man with my bra...I could hang a man with my bra...I could stab a man with my bra...I could use my bra as a double barrel sling shot and kill two men at once. Lord the damage I could do with that thing.

Hell I don't need even need mechanical weapons...I could use my boobs to smother a man. I'm armed and dangerous 24/7!!! They'll never confiscate those!!!

Chick out...