Snow...glorious snow!!!

Apparently, this winter all of my neighbors in the Baltimore area and I have been very, very bad boys and girls. Normally, we might have one mediocre snow per winter season. This winter we’ve already had four snow events and the granddaddy of all storms is bearing down on us now.

I would like to go on the record and emphatically make the following statement ….SNOW CAN BITE MY FAT ASS!!!!

Remember when we were kids and snow was fun? We got out of school…played in the snow…built snowmen…holed up in the house and watched TV all day sipping cocoa. Ahhhh, the good old days. I never could understand why my parents hated snow so badly. Well now I comprehend completely because I’ve become one helluva snow hating bitch!

So it snows…then what? Play? I guffaw!!! I…still…have…to…work!!! I have to shovel snow like a damned mad woman zipped into a coat with the zipper stuck, which actually happened during the last storm..not fun and all I could think was that I was gonna have to cut myself out of the coat when I was through shoveling! Build a snowman?? I think not…I might kick the snowman in his snowballs!!!

I have to look at my gas and electric bill and shit my pants at the cost of running my heat during a snow storm with 20-30 MPH winds. Winds?? Snow?? The next thing you know, the friggin’ Bumble Beast from Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer will be stumbling down my street. If I see him I’m shooting the bastard, cutting him open, and crawling inside his warm, dead body for heat!!!!!

Now they’re calling for a storm that they’re measuring in feet of snow!!! WTF? I can hear the weather forecasters now, “Hey let’s really fuck with them! Screw"inches"…let’s tell them they’re getting 2 feet of snow with snow drifts up to 4 feet. Bwaaaa haaaa haaaa haaaaa!”

What happened to the fun that always accompanied snow? Fun died that’s what happened to Fun. He died around 1993, when I suffered through a blizzard in March while living in Tennessee. I cursed his name to the devil and he shriveled up and went straight to hell.

So that’s it…it’s all my fault…I killed Fun 18 years ago. Please accept my apologies and while you're at it…you people that still think snow is fun can bite my fat ass too.

Chick out…brrrrr…or should I say feet of brrrrr...

Crushed

When I was a little girl I had crushes on sooo many stars. You already know of my huge crush on Pernell Roberts (lying, rug wearing bastard who I forgave only in death). I also had crushes on the regulars like Shaun Cassidy, David Cassidy, Robbie Benson, Scott Baio…you know, the stuff all adolescent girls dreams are made of.

If he was every found in the pages of Tiger Beat Magazine I had a crush on him!! The walls of my bedroom were a shrine to so many long-haired mangy looking boys. I’m surprised my parents didn’t beat me for the damage I did to those walls with all the tape and push pins.

Now what I’m about to admit is somewhat freakish and embarrassing. You cannot hold this against me because I was only a child. Do you understand???? Here goes...there was a movie star that I was crazy about. He was half of a comedy team that made dozens of movies. I would sit there on Saturday and Sunday afternoons and watch these movies with my father and just swoon. I never had any posters of him on my walls because he was never in Tiger Beat.

Yes, I had a crush on the man who is famous for his “Hey lady!!” line. The man of my dreams was none other than…Jerry Lewis. What can I say? I’ve always been a sucker for a man who could make me laugh!!

Slightly embarrassed chick out…