The technical definition of a sarcophagus is a stone coffin usually bearing sculpture or inscriptions. In the case of my friend Talullah, a sarcophagus is a structure she builds around a public commode and it’s made of toilet paper. Layers and layers of toilet paper. So much so that I envision that by the time the sarcophagus is completely built she only has to lean against it to do her business.
Poor Talullah suffers from a genetic disorder…she can’t squat or hover over a toilet seat. I’m not sure if she doesn’t have the leg strength or her legs are too short or she doesn’t have the balance or what but she cannot do it.
Have a mentioned she’s a bit of a tad bit of a germaphobe?
Did you know that cheap, single ply toilet paper will protect you against any germ or virus growing on a toilet seat? Me neither but if you use enough of it, it apparently forms a germ tight barrier between the seat and your ass, which everyone knows is the cleanest part of your body. Right?? That’s exactly why you must build the toilet paper sarcophagus...to protect the cleanliness of the part of your body that expels turds and pee.
That’s not all….oh no….
She also constructs a toilet paper mitt around her hand to wipe herself. One time we were out and had to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, there was no toilet paper in her stall. I passed her a roll that probably had enough to wipe my patootie nine or 10 times. She looked at it and said, “This isn’t enough!!”
Why does she have to encase her own hand to wipe her own ass? How does she get the toilet paper mitt off without getting “stuff” all over her hands? How many toilets has the girl clogged during her lifetime? Questions I’m not sure have answers.
So that’s my friend Talullah. She resides in a different kind of world. A world where her ass is cleaner than a public toilet but not so clean that she wants to chance ever touching it. A world where she closes the stall door on a public bathroom and whips toilet paper around like a rhythmic gymnast doing a ribbon routine at the Olympics. A warped world but she loves it there.
Poor Talullah suffers from a genetic disorder…she can’t squat or hover over a toilet seat. I’m not sure if she doesn’t have the leg strength or her legs are too short or she doesn’t have the balance or what but she cannot do it.
Have a mentioned she’s a bit of a tad bit of a germaphobe?
Did you know that cheap, single ply toilet paper will protect you against any germ or virus growing on a toilet seat? Me neither but if you use enough of it, it apparently forms a germ tight barrier between the seat and your ass, which everyone knows is the cleanest part of your body. Right?? That’s exactly why you must build the toilet paper sarcophagus...to protect the cleanliness of the part of your body that expels turds and pee.
That’s not all….oh no….
She also constructs a toilet paper mitt around her hand to wipe herself. One time we were out and had to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, there was no toilet paper in her stall. I passed her a roll that probably had enough to wipe my patootie nine or 10 times. She looked at it and said, “This isn’t enough!!”
Why does she have to encase her own hand to wipe her own ass? How does she get the toilet paper mitt off without getting “stuff” all over her hands? How many toilets has the girl clogged during her lifetime? Questions I’m not sure have answers.
So that’s my friend Talullah. She resides in a different kind of world. A world where her ass is cleaner than a public toilet but not so clean that she wants to chance ever touching it. A world where she closes the stall door on a public bathroom and whips toilet paper around like a rhythmic gymnast doing a ribbon routine at the Olympics. A warped world but she loves it there.
Chick out...
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