Work husband; noun; a man with whom a woman has a platonic intimacy at work
Hello my name is singlegal and I…am…a…work…wife. There I said it. Whew that wasn't too painful.
I am not alone in my venture into the world of work wifedom. There are thousands of us out there who’s goal it is to keep menfolk in check for 8-10 hours per day while at work so that they get no real taste of freedom before they get shipped back home to their real wives. You know that if they have too many “free” hours they can get rambunctious and mouthy. It’s sort of like an 8 year old boy that’s not been under his mother’s watchful eye for a few hours. He gets wild an unruly…grown ass men are the same way.
I’m pretty sure that I would absolutely suck at being a real wife. I mean I don’t really want a man messing up my house or having big, stinky poops in my bathrooms. Having a real husband might end my days of standing in my pantry and eating a entire meal from the shelves, endlessly shopping for 10 pairs of black high heels (you really need at least 10 pair of black high heels….believe me!!!!), watching The Real Housewives of the OC (or New Jersey or Atlanta) while eating coffee flavored ice cream covered in hot fudge, watching 300 with the sound muted just so I can look at Gerard Butler and all his muscles, or taking an hour long bubble bath almost every night. All the things that make me blissful.
On the other hand, I’m a fantabulous work wife. So good, in fact, that I juggle two work husbands. Scary, huh? How do I juggle two of these mythical creatures? Work husband polygamy is difficult but I’ve adapted. For starters I try to keep them separated because I fear they’ll start peeing on me to try to mark me. Golden showers…not my “thang”. I commonly refer to them as work husband one (WH1) and work husband two (WH2). One I have been “married” to for probably 7 years and the other for about 3 years. It really wasn’t my intention to accumulate two because one was quite enough. I just…happened.
Work spouse courtships are nothing like those of the real world. There is no awkward first date and no meeting the parents. The male member of the relationship doesn’t get down on his knee and ask for the female’s hand in work-marriage nor is there a work engagement ring. (Although, a couple weeks ago WH2 did give me a pack of hot sauce from Taco Bell that had the question “Will you marry me” on it…so workmantic.) You don’t have to plan a work wedding or run off to Vegas for a quickie work marriage ceremony performed by an Elvis look-alike. It much less stressful and costs absolutely nothing.
Sometimes you fall into a work marriage. My primary work husband (WH1 as I call him) and I did not start off as friends. In fact, I despised him…he made my blood boil. We would go to the same meetings and I would always think, “Who is this asshole??” I would get a call from him and think, “Great! What does this asshole want?” Then I had to go to Colorado with him. Shit! I dreaded it for 2 weeks…Colorado with an asshole…on a plane with an asshole…in a rental car with an asshole….breakfast, lunch, and dinner with an asshole. Could it get any worse??? Amazingly, we got along fine. By the end of the trip I had my very first work husband. I was no longer a virgin to the work spouse experience….I had a thriving work marriage…to as asshole.
On the flip side, sometimes you’re wooed into a work marriage. My secondary work husband (WH2) wooed me endlessly. He didn’t woo me because he needed a work wife. No. He wooed me because he wanted to work in my department….becoming his work wife was an added bonus for him.
We ended up on travel to the same site at the same time so he saw it as his chance to make his move. He started by telling me that had sat through one of my training courses and said, “Yeah, I asked you a question and you didn’t know the answer at the time but you got back to me later that day with the answer. I really appreciated that.” The look on my face said “And you are who?” I had absolutely no idea who he was…didn’t remember him at all. The next day he went in for the kill. He asked if he could ride back to the hotel with me so we could stop at Sonic. Love of Sonic? A good thing….a very good thing. We stopped there and devoured banana cream milkshakes. That was the beginning of our work spouse courtship.
That night the entire group of about 10-12 people went to dinner together. We were all meeting in the hotel lobby and he was tapped to call one of the female government employees that hadn’t made it down yet. He hung up the phone and tells us in his best 50+ year-old-woman’s voice, “I’ll be down as soon as I get my stockings on.” Then he throws in, “Not an image I want in my head!!” Right then I knew…he was to be my WH2.
That prophesy came true a few months later when he joined my department. Even better…he’s sort of my subordinate so I can tell him what to do all the time. Hooray!!!
Like in all marriages, my WHs and I have had our ups and downs. We’ve been through trial separations and I’ve threated to serve them both with divorce papers but we’ve stuck it out. We don’t do it for the sake of the kids…we do it for the sake of our projects. Besides we don’t have a Judge Mablean (original judge from Divorce Court) to help divvie up our belongings and decide on alimony payments. What would belongings and alimony in a work divorce consists of? Pens, pencils, lunch punch cards for various restaurants? I’m not really sure.
So that’s it in a nutshell. We have a weird little “family”. We’re not the Brady Bunch but we’re happy.
Chick out…
Hello my name is singlegal and I…am…a…work…wife. There I said it. Whew that wasn't too painful.
I am not alone in my venture into the world of work wifedom. There are thousands of us out there who’s goal it is to keep menfolk in check for 8-10 hours per day while at work so that they get no real taste of freedom before they get shipped back home to their real wives. You know that if they have too many “free” hours they can get rambunctious and mouthy. It’s sort of like an 8 year old boy that’s not been under his mother’s watchful eye for a few hours. He gets wild an unruly…grown ass men are the same way.
I’m pretty sure that I would absolutely suck at being a real wife. I mean I don’t really want a man messing up my house or having big, stinky poops in my bathrooms. Having a real husband might end my days of standing in my pantry and eating a entire meal from the shelves, endlessly shopping for 10 pairs of black high heels (you really need at least 10 pair of black high heels….believe me!!!!), watching The Real Housewives of the OC (or New Jersey or Atlanta) while eating coffee flavored ice cream covered in hot fudge, watching 300 with the sound muted just so I can look at Gerard Butler and all his muscles, or taking an hour long bubble bath almost every night. All the things that make me blissful.
On the other hand, I’m a fantabulous work wife. So good, in fact, that I juggle two work husbands. Scary, huh? How do I juggle two of these mythical creatures? Work husband polygamy is difficult but I’ve adapted. For starters I try to keep them separated because I fear they’ll start peeing on me to try to mark me. Golden showers…not my “thang”. I commonly refer to them as work husband one (WH1) and work husband two (WH2). One I have been “married” to for probably 7 years and the other for about 3 years. It really wasn’t my intention to accumulate two because one was quite enough. I just…happened.
Work spouse courtships are nothing like those of the real world. There is no awkward first date and no meeting the parents. The male member of the relationship doesn’t get down on his knee and ask for the female’s hand in work-marriage nor is there a work engagement ring. (Although, a couple weeks ago WH2 did give me a pack of hot sauce from Taco Bell that had the question “Will you marry me” on it…so workmantic.) You don’t have to plan a work wedding or run off to Vegas for a quickie work marriage ceremony performed by an Elvis look-alike. It much less stressful and costs absolutely nothing.
Sometimes you fall into a work marriage. My primary work husband (WH1 as I call him) and I did not start off as friends. In fact, I despised him…he made my blood boil. We would go to the same meetings and I would always think, “Who is this asshole??” I would get a call from him and think, “Great! What does this asshole want?” Then I had to go to Colorado with him. Shit! I dreaded it for 2 weeks…Colorado with an asshole…on a plane with an asshole…in a rental car with an asshole….breakfast, lunch, and dinner with an asshole. Could it get any worse??? Amazingly, we got along fine. By the end of the trip I had my very first work husband. I was no longer a virgin to the work spouse experience….I had a thriving work marriage…to as asshole.
On the flip side, sometimes you’re wooed into a work marriage. My secondary work husband (WH2) wooed me endlessly. He didn’t woo me because he needed a work wife. No. He wooed me because he wanted to work in my department….becoming his work wife was an added bonus for him.
We ended up on travel to the same site at the same time so he saw it as his chance to make his move. He started by telling me that had sat through one of my training courses and said, “Yeah, I asked you a question and you didn’t know the answer at the time but you got back to me later that day with the answer. I really appreciated that.” The look on my face said “And you are who?” I had absolutely no idea who he was…didn’t remember him at all. The next day he went in for the kill. He asked if he could ride back to the hotel with me so we could stop at Sonic. Love of Sonic? A good thing….a very good thing. We stopped there and devoured banana cream milkshakes. That was the beginning of our work spouse courtship.
That night the entire group of about 10-12 people went to dinner together. We were all meeting in the hotel lobby and he was tapped to call one of the female government employees that hadn’t made it down yet. He hung up the phone and tells us in his best 50+ year-old-woman’s voice, “I’ll be down as soon as I get my stockings on.” Then he throws in, “Not an image I want in my head!!” Right then I knew…he was to be my WH2.
That prophesy came true a few months later when he joined my department. Even better…he’s sort of my subordinate so I can tell him what to do all the time. Hooray!!!
Like in all marriages, my WHs and I have had our ups and downs. We’ve been through trial separations and I’ve threated to serve them both with divorce papers but we’ve stuck it out. We don’t do it for the sake of the kids…we do it for the sake of our projects. Besides we don’t have a Judge Mablean (original judge from Divorce Court) to help divvie up our belongings and decide on alimony payments. What would belongings and alimony in a work divorce consists of? Pens, pencils, lunch punch cards for various restaurants? I’m not really sure.
So that’s it in a nutshell. We have a weird little “family”. We’re not the Brady Bunch but we’re happy.
Chick out…
No comments:
Post a Comment