Today I sent a funny description of my doctor's appointment to my girlfriends. One of them emailed back and said I should start a blog. Guess what....that's what I'm doing......
24 September 2009....the nutball starts her blog.....here is the email message that started the ball rolling:
24 September 2009....the nutball starts her blog.....here is the email message that started the ball rolling:
Well today I had to go to the doctor for my annual “Lucy” exam. In case you all don’t remember, “Lucy” is the name my mother used for my girl parts when I was little. I have fretted for days and days about this because I dreaded it so. Did I dread the "Lucy" exam? Not so much….I dreaded stepping on the scales. To be more exact, I was afraid I would step on the scales and Jen, her assistant, would say something like, “Whoa!! Damn hell….we’re gonna have to weigh you on the other scales”. She would then proceed to take me to the nearest truck weigh station on I-95.
Like every other time, the first thing I do is step on the scales while Jen and I talk about my fabulous shoes. During the process, I never look at the scales. If I don’t see the number it doesn’t exist. After the weighing I prance on back to the exam room, strip down, and put on my gown. Today I was in for a surprise. Normally, the gown barely covers my bovine-sized body but today it was hanging off of me like it was a cast off from Ruby’s wardrobe (You know…Ruby on the Style Network…the lady from Savannah that’s lost like 300 pounds). I put it on and thought, “Oh my God!!! I’ve gotten so big that they’ve finally decided to give me the super obese sized gown. The one they use for people that come in for an appointment only after Richard Simmons goes to their home and has a work crew remove the side of their house so they can be removed. I sunk deeper into my fat despair.
When Dr. Speight came in she said, “Hey you’ve lost 8 pounds. You’re doing well.”
I wish you all could have been there to see the look on my face. Yesterday alone I ate an onion and cheese bagel with REAL cream cheese (not the low fat or non fat nonsense) for breakfast…I had a caesar salad absolutely dripping with dressing along with some sort of meaty-cheesy pasta for lunch….then I had a cheeseburger with mac and cheese for dinner. I then proceeded to have a huge peanut butter cup cookie for dessert. Last night around 10:00 I got a little “hongry” while watching Top Chef and had some kettle corn. Oh yeah, I also grabbed a block of pepper jack cheese from the fridge and just bit a hunk off…I didn’t slice it off all girlie with a knife…I had no time for that. Just opened my mouth and CHOMP! My God…how did I lose weight?
Needless to say when she told me I had lost weight I just looked over at her with a stunned look on my face and said, “I’m shocked”. She looked at me said, “Shocked?” and proceeded to laugh. She’s always laughing at me….kind of like the time I went in for a "Lucy" exam and she and the assistant were fooling around with something while I was laying there waiting for the exam. She finally said, “We’re having problems with the light. We can’t get it to come on.” I replied, “You’ve got a light down there???????” She laughed and said, “Yeah, we put a light on the speculum. How do you think we see?” How the hell did I know???
In the end I’ve decided that one of the following happened that resulted in my weight loss:
1. I shaved my legs really well last night so that might account for an 8 pound weight loss.
2. I stepped on the scales and broke them or screwed up the calibration.
3. I had an 8 pound poop. This one is highly unlikely but I’m still including it as part of the theory.
Like every other time, the first thing I do is step on the scales while Jen and I talk about my fabulous shoes. During the process, I never look at the scales. If I don’t see the number it doesn’t exist. After the weighing I prance on back to the exam room, strip down, and put on my gown. Today I was in for a surprise. Normally, the gown barely covers my bovine-sized body but today it was hanging off of me like it was a cast off from Ruby’s wardrobe (You know…Ruby on the Style Network…the lady from Savannah that’s lost like 300 pounds). I put it on and thought, “Oh my God!!! I’ve gotten so big that they’ve finally decided to give me the super obese sized gown. The one they use for people that come in for an appointment only after Richard Simmons goes to their home and has a work crew remove the side of their house so they can be removed. I sunk deeper into my fat despair.
When Dr. Speight came in she said, “Hey you’ve lost 8 pounds. You’re doing well.”
I wish you all could have been there to see the look on my face. Yesterday alone I ate an onion and cheese bagel with REAL cream cheese (not the low fat or non fat nonsense) for breakfast…I had a caesar salad absolutely dripping with dressing along with some sort of meaty-cheesy pasta for lunch….then I had a cheeseburger with mac and cheese for dinner. I then proceeded to have a huge peanut butter cup cookie for dessert. Last night around 10:00 I got a little “hongry” while watching Top Chef and had some kettle corn. Oh yeah, I also grabbed a block of pepper jack cheese from the fridge and just bit a hunk off…I didn’t slice it off all girlie with a knife…I had no time for that. Just opened my mouth and CHOMP! My God…how did I lose weight?
Needless to say when she told me I had lost weight I just looked over at her with a stunned look on my face and said, “I’m shocked”. She looked at me said, “Shocked?” and proceeded to laugh. She’s always laughing at me….kind of like the time I went in for a "Lucy" exam and she and the assistant were fooling around with something while I was laying there waiting for the exam. She finally said, “We’re having problems with the light. We can’t get it to come on.” I replied, “You’ve got a light down there???????” She laughed and said, “Yeah, we put a light on the speculum. How do you think we see?” How the hell did I know???
In the end I’ve decided that one of the following happened that resulted in my weight loss:
1. I shaved my legs really well last night so that might account for an 8 pound weight loss.
2. I stepped on the scales and broke them or screwed up the calibration.
3. I had an 8 pound poop. This one is highly unlikely but I’m still including it as part of the theory.
4. The last time Jen weighed me she put her foot on the scale to take it up a bit. This time she didn’t do that so it would appear that I lost weight. She feels sorry for me.
That’s my story for the day. I can hardly wait to go back in December!!!
Oh and by the way…they changed laundry companies and now have larger gowns. Dr. Speight told me that while she was futzing around. She said, “Now we have gowns that fit normal-sized people.” I was filled with glee…I wasn’t wearing one of Ruby’s castoffs!!!!! I actually sighed with relief…..
That’s my story for the day. I can hardly wait to go back in December!!!
Oh and by the way…they changed laundry companies and now have larger gowns. Dr. Speight told me that while she was futzing around. She said, “Now we have gowns that fit normal-sized people.” I was filled with glee…I wasn’t wearing one of Ruby’s castoffs!!!!! I actually sighed with relief…..
I had to share this email with folks at work. They thought it was damn hilarious and you know I did. Love the blog.
ReplyDeleteThat's fine. You can share the blog with them. The more the merrier. :)
ReplyDeleteLucy hahahahahaa great name for the hoo-hoo.
ReplyDeleteSo, what kind of "diet" is this with bagels and cream cheese and Caesar salad?? Sign me up.
You write very well. I love this!