Sad day...

In case you haven’t heard…Pernell Roberts (aka Adam, my Adam from Bonanza) passed away this past weekend at the age of 81. You might remember my love of Adam. In fact, I was crazy about him…even if he was old enough to be my grandfather and basically lied to me by wearing a toupee. Now he and his rug will be laid to rest and my little girl heart will break just a little more. RIP Adam…I forgive you for your hairless lie....

I hop on what?????

You’ve got to believe me because I could never make this shit up….

I once lived in Gastonia, North Carolina, which is just a stone’s throw from Charlotte. In Gastonia there is a International House of Pancakes. Yummy yummy yummy!!!! Unfortunately, this International House of Pancakes is located on Cox Road.

It’s fondly known as the IHOP on Cox.

I’m actually thinking of funding a low rate porno called I Hop on Cox. It will take place in an actual IHOP and the main characters will be named Steven Sausage and Pamela Pancakes. They’ll be sausage and pancake flippers by day but at night they’ll do interesting and flamboyantly filthy things with their sausage and pancakes. I’ll make a fortune!!!!

Okay…the part about me funding the porno is a lie because I would rather spend money on shoes. But the part about IHOP on Cox……totally true!!!!

Boom chicka out out…

Why "Single Gal" will never shop for a baby shower again...

I realized last week I’m lucky that I’m old enough that most of my friends have either birthed all the babies they want or chosen to be barren and childless. Thank you old and childless friends. I love ya more than peanut butter and chocolate!!!


One of my work husbands and his dear wife are about to become parents for the first time and I volunteered to go to Babies r Us and Target to get gifts from their registery from a group at work. I just knew that doing this would be sooooo easy. I was so damned wrong!!!!

First I tackled Babies r Us...it was a madhouse. Okay I'm exaggerating...it only became mad after I got there. I was overwhelmed by all the shit in that store. I was also overwhelmed by the kid riding a razor scooter around in there and by the man working there who looked like he should not be within 1000 feet of children under the age of 18. I wandered around like a drunken, lost woman and finally I saw something that was maybe definitely on the registery. I grabbed it and ran like hell out the door...well I did stop to pay for it. God help me!!!

Then I went to Target. Apparently, a tornado that only picked up baby accoutrement and accessories slammed through my Target and grabbed anything a human under the age of 6 months would wear, chew on, or poop in. This is where things get tricky. Were Hefty bags on the registry??? I swear to God it's the only thing they had left in the store.

As I left Target, only half the woman that had entered 30 minutes earlier, I thought to myself, "Self, I think Jack (whom I work with) would have had more success than you did." Then I realized that no, Jack would have just bought a huge box of condoms tossed it at them and said, "Dudes, don't ever let this happen again."

Chick the hell out...

I'm not dead nor have I been kidnapped....

I swear I'll be back soon!!! First we had Christmas then I rang in the new year with a damned cold that I'm still battling. I either haven't had time to post or I just haven't felt like it. On top of that it's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey here in Maryland so I'm just overall pretty miserable.

Here is a little something to tide you over until I fully shake the drunkeness brought on by shots of Nyquil and emerge from my cocoon (otherwise known as a slanket)....

Never...ever leave me alone with a pair of wax lips!!!!!

Chick out...

Dear Santa

It’s hard to believe that Christmas is just a handful of days away. Remember when you wrote your letters to Santa every year? I remember writing them but I have no idea what I ever asked for. I do know that I never asked for a Mod Hair Ken but I got one anyway so Santa was always up for a surprise.

Every year in my tiny little hometown newspaper (both the town and the newspaper are tiny), they print the letters to Santa. I couldn’t help but laugh and be scared shitless as I read them this year.

All of the letters were written by Kindergarten and 1st grade students:

Dear Santa,
I would like a Big Rig Game and a gun. How about a pump shotgun too? I will leave you a kitten to take back to the North Pole. Oh, I need “Danger” signs too.
-BJ

What in the hell does a 6 year old need with 2 guns and danger signs??? I’m glad you're sending that kitten to the North Pole, little Jeffrey Dahmer. God knows what you'd do with it!


Dear Santa,
I would like some lipstick, a Wii, and some makeup.
-KD

Lipstick? Makeup? Your 6 years old!!! Hello future let me introduce you to a whore. Yikes!

Dear Santa,
I want a monkey and a choo choo train. I have been a very good boy.
-AS

Hell, you’ve been good enough to think you deserve a fucking monkey? Are you kidding or just delusional??

Dear Santa,
I would like a bicycle for Christmas. I want an Ipod too. Can you also bring be a BB gun? I’ll leave food for Rudolph beside the house. I wish I could have a recorder. I will leave cookies and milk for you if you will bring me some hotwheels too.
-JF

First of all, you little asshole, we’re in the middle of a fucking recession so how about you pare that list down a bit!! Oh and bribing Santa with cookies and milk to leave you some hotwheels? Shameless little bastard!!

Dear Santa,
I want a sword, a shield, cape, helmet, and horse.
-CH

What the hell are you? The fourth fucking musketeer??? I would hate to meet you riding down the road.

Dear Santa,
I want a bagugons and bendaroos and some giant crocks and a giant hat and some Nike shoes! Some Nike pants.
-JK

I don’t even know what the fuck you're asking for, kid. Bagugons and bendaroos? Are those slang names for drugs? Are you going to plant giant flowers in the giant crocks and wear the giant hat on your giant head? I guess your feet and ass aren’t giant because you didn’t specify giant shoes and pants?

Dear Santa,
I would like to have a parrot and some Legos. I will leave you some pears.
-CB

Are you related to the kid that thought he deserved the monkey??? By the way, pears are out of season. Try harder next time!!

Dear Santa,
I want a bat cave and a Lego Star Wars. That is all! Bring my dad a knife and my mom a toy.
-AC

Bring mom a toy? You want Santa to bring your mom a jack rabbit vibrator?? You'll now be her favorite kid!

Dear Santa,
I want balls you play with, an airplane, and nothing else. I will leave you peanut butter balls for a snack.
-DH

This kid would be a great case for Freud since he so damned obsessed with balls.

Dear Santa,
Please bring my Daddy a hot rod. I want drums for Christmas. I like building blocks.
-KH

Now is he saying that Daddy has erectile dysfunction or that Daddy likes men? I can’t really decide.

Dear Santa,
I want batteries and a big toy horse that I can ride.
-LF

You're gonna ride batteries? What’s wrong with you, kid?

Dear Santa,
Please bring me a hot wheel car and a bat cave with a Superman.
-BH

Sorry dumbass, Batman lives in the Bat Cave not Superman. Guess you’ll never be a member of Mensa.

Dear Santa,
Please bring me a set of drums. I also want an Indian hat and a computer. I’ll leave beans for your reindeer and cookies for you.
-RB

First of all Indians don’t wear hats. They’re called headdresses, Einstein. Second, if you feed reindeer beans, they’ll shit all over Santa somewhere over South Carolina.

Dear Santa,
I want Barbie dolls, a lot of bears, and I guess I want a lunch box. I have two but I want one with no food.
-RD

A lunchbox with no food. Isn’t that just a box???

That's about it. I'll leave you one more laugh before I blast outta here. I think this is 7 seconds of hilarity. It's my puggle once she's finished playing in the snow.







This is probably my last post before the holidays so Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!

Chick out…

The most dangerousest* Christmas tree evah...

Everybody who was a kid in the late 60s or early 70s, raise your hand if you remember the oh so unnatural beauty of the aluminum Christmas tree.

I remember our’s fondly. It was fairly short (maybe only 5 feet tall), shiny, sparce, and hideous. But….every home had one. We had one…my father’s mother had one…my mother’s parents had one…my uncle had one…my aunt had one...

You get the picture…my family was fantastically tacky. We had metal Christmas trees. And get this…because it was unsafe to string electric lights on the metal tree, it came with a spotlight that was equipped with a color wheel. The wheel would spin around and the tree would change from a red glow, to a blue glow, to a yellow glow, to a green glow. No, it was unsafe to use electric lights on the tree but it was okay to have a 14,000 watt spotlight plugged up and sitting on the floor mere feet from the metal tree. Can anyone say burn hazard?????

So what did we hang on the metal tree that was lit up by a spotlight that could burn the retinas of a huge sperm whale? Glass ornaments, of course!!

What says Christmas more than a flaming hot, metal tree covered in glass??? Mercy!!! How in the hell did we kids ever live through a Christmas???

In case you're wondering...that is me standing beside our lovely tree in the picture. That is also the last time I wore go-go boots and a mini-skirt!!

Chick out…




*I know there is no such word as "dangerousest". :)

All That and an Oboe

Well ‘tis definitely Christmas at my place of employment. Every year we do all sorts of things for the holidays. There’s a scavenger hunt, a decorating contest, a craft show and “yard sale”, a cookie exhange, a holiday mingle, and…best of all…a 70 year old man that wanders the building playing his oboe.

And no, that’s not a euphemism for yanking his wanky. He’s not demented or anything. He honestly walks about the building playing Christmas carols.

Sounds wacky, right??? Well, the first year I thought it was wacky but now it just seems normal. The other day I was actually sitting here wondering when he would make his rounds. Today was the day. Christmas is definitely in the air…

Chick out...