Have you ever heard of the menstrual cup?? I had forgotten they existed until I found a box of Instead cups in my bathroom cabinet the other day.
In case you don’t know what I’m talking about it’s a cup, much like a diaphragm, that you stick up your “Lucy” when you have your period. I thought it was a grand idea. I mean you can wear one all day long with no risk of leaking. Hell, according to the box you can have sex or run a marathon while wearing one!! Genius!!!
I thought this cup was genius. It went in with no problem and I never felt it the entire time I was wearing it. To be honest, I didn’t have sex or run a marathon while wearing it so I can’t vouch for that but it did work well for it’s intended purpose.
*Note* At this point it’s going to get a little graphic so you might want to stop reading if you’re least bit squeamish or if you have absolutely no sense of humor.
Then it came time to remove it. I followed the instructions which say to sit on the toilet with your legs spread, reach in with your finger, hook rim of the cup, and pull straight out. Easy right? Hell to the no!!!! I couldn’t hook it!!
The instructions say that if you have trouble removing it then bear down and it will be easier to remove. That should work. I tried it. I beared down like I was shitting a peach pit. Didn’t work!!!
Another little tip in the instructions: squat and bear down. WTF? It sounds like they’re giving you instructions on how to birth a baby in a rice paddy. I tried it. Didn’t work!!!
At this point I started to panic!
I tried everything. One foot on the wall and one foot on the floor… didn’t work! Head stand…didn’t work! One foot behind my head…didn’t work!! I was getting ready to do the Russian cossack dance to try and shake it out when I decided that I really needed to calm the hell down.
I tried to relax and went back in again following the instructions. One finger was definitely not going to work. I went in with my index finger and thumb thinking I could get a grip…..GAAAAAAA!!!
At this point, I really thought I was going to have to go to the emergency room. Can you imagine??? I was 38 years old and I couldn’t remove a damned menstrual cup. I know it’s nothing compared to the guy who “fell on the lightbulb” and it got stuck in his ass but still mortifying!!!
I laid down for a while because I was freaking out. I calmed down a little bit and tried again. Deep breaths…deep breaths. I decided to try to get a grip on it using my thumb and my index and middle fingers. You’re probably wondering “was she eventually going to have to use her entire hand?”. To be honest I thought I might have to…I won’t lie. But….YES…SUCCESS…I finally got it out. I felt like I’d just won a major award. If there had been anyone to high five, I would have definitely done it.
I was sore and exhausted or to be more specific “Lucy” was sore and exhausted. I swear that I heard her moan. She felt like she had run through a field of brambles and rolled on a pile of broken glass. She needed a drink and since she has no way of consuming alcohol I did it for her.
Needless to say, I never used Instead again. I had challenged “Lucy” to a game of tug o’ war and I barely beat the bitch. I wasn’t willing to risk it again…
Chick out…
In case you don’t know what I’m talking about it’s a cup, much like a diaphragm, that you stick up your “Lucy” when you have your period. I thought it was a grand idea. I mean you can wear one all day long with no risk of leaking. Hell, according to the box you can have sex or run a marathon while wearing one!! Genius!!!
I thought this cup was genius. It went in with no problem and I never felt it the entire time I was wearing it. To be honest, I didn’t have sex or run a marathon while wearing it so I can’t vouch for that but it did work well for it’s intended purpose.
*Note* At this point it’s going to get a little graphic so you might want to stop reading if you’re least bit squeamish or if you have absolutely no sense of humor.
Then it came time to remove it. I followed the instructions which say to sit on the toilet with your legs spread, reach in with your finger, hook rim of the cup, and pull straight out. Easy right? Hell to the no!!!! I couldn’t hook it!!
The instructions say that if you have trouble removing it then bear down and it will be easier to remove. That should work. I tried it. I beared down like I was shitting a peach pit. Didn’t work!!!
Another little tip in the instructions: squat and bear down. WTF? It sounds like they’re giving you instructions on how to birth a baby in a rice paddy. I tried it. Didn’t work!!!
At this point I started to panic!
I tried everything. One foot on the wall and one foot on the floor… didn’t work! Head stand…didn’t work! One foot behind my head…didn’t work!! I was getting ready to do the Russian cossack dance to try and shake it out when I decided that I really needed to calm the hell down.
I tried to relax and went back in again following the instructions. One finger was definitely not going to work. I went in with my index finger and thumb thinking I could get a grip…..GAAAAAAA!!!
At this point, I really thought I was going to have to go to the emergency room. Can you imagine??? I was 38 years old and I couldn’t remove a damned menstrual cup. I know it’s nothing compared to the guy who “fell on the lightbulb” and it got stuck in his ass but still mortifying!!!
I laid down for a while because I was freaking out. I calmed down a little bit and tried again. Deep breaths…deep breaths. I decided to try to get a grip on it using my thumb and my index and middle fingers. You’re probably wondering “was she eventually going to have to use her entire hand?”. To be honest I thought I might have to…I won’t lie. But….YES…SUCCESS…I finally got it out. I felt like I’d just won a major award. If there had been anyone to high five, I would have definitely done it.
I was sore and exhausted or to be more specific “Lucy” was sore and exhausted. I swear that I heard her moan. She felt like she had run through a field of brambles and rolled on a pile of broken glass. She needed a drink and since she has no way of consuming alcohol I did it for her.
Needless to say, I never used Instead again. I had challenged “Lucy” to a game of tug o’ war and I barely beat the bitch. I wasn’t willing to risk it again…
Chick out…
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