Talullah Part II: Her brush with death (or I gotta go where???)

A few years ago my friend Talullah was having a little shortness of breath and finally decided that maybe she might want to go to the doctor. I didn’t hear from her but I heard from our friend Leilani, who called me and said, “Talullah just called me crying and said the doctor said she had three pulmonary embolisms.”

What????? Three…pulmonary…embolisms?????? One is enough to kill you and she had three? That’s our Talullah…always trying to “one up” everyone.

See Talullah had recently went back on birth control pills (WHORE!!!...just kidding…whatever) and they had resulted in the blood clots that found their nasty, little way to her lungs.

I got in the car the next morning and headed south from Maryland to North Carolina. When I got there Leilani (who is an actual mother) informed me that Talullah had a follow-up appointment with her gynecologist the next day and I had to go with her. Not just go with her to the office…go with her to the appointment!!!!

What???? Oh hell!!! What’s worse that going to your own gynecologist appointment?? Maybe going to your best friend’s gynecologist appointment with her. I kept thinking, “I wish Willow was going to be here. I would just make her go.” Willow was on her way but wouldn’t be there until after the appointment….damn her to hell.

I had to admit that Leilani had a valid point. She had already lived through Talullah’s back surgery and knew that Talullah was notorious for not asking questions either because she didn’t want to know the answers or because she has the tendency to get, as she calls it, “tore all to hell” and forget to ask questions.

So the next day we head out to the gynecologist. We sit down and wait for her appoinment. There was hardly anyone else there waiting. Thank God because I felt like we looked like some kind of weird lesbian couple. We looked like an even weirder lesbian couple when the nurse called her back and we both got up. I looked at the nurse, smiled, and nervously said, “I’m here for moral support.” They had no idea that Talullah had just lived through three pulmonary embolisms so she just looked at me like “Whatever!! Freaky lesbian!!”

We go back to the consultation room and sit down. Let me interject right now that she was not there for an exam; she was there for a follow up with the doctor to see how she was doing. Had below the waist nudity and stirrups been involved, Leilani would have had to threaten my life to get me to go.

The door opens and a band of angels start to sing as the doctor walks in. Wowwee…Zowwee!!! Both Talullah and Leilani had told me he was a looker but….Wowwee…Zowwee!!! Not at all what I’m normally attracted to either. I mean….he’s a little bitty guy but….Wowwee…Zowwee!!! I guess he was packing some serious mojo!! There is no way I could be locked in a room with this man, strip naked, and let him check out my "girlie bits". Not unless there is boom-chicka-wow-wow music playing in the background.

So he looks at me like “Who are you and WTF are you doing here???” so Talullah starts her sob story about her little blood clots and how they almost killed her. Blah…blah...blah. I was more insterested in “el doctor”...*eyebrows up and down like Groucho Marx*...but I did start asking questions becaue Leilani would have killed me if she found out I went there and just sat like a lusty lump.

He got up at some point and left the room. I can’t remember why…maybe because my eyes were boring a hole through him and I was mentally undressing him? When he left I looked at Talullah and said point-blank said, “I want take your doctor as my luvah.” Now I should have waited to say this until after the appointment was over and we were back in my car. But nooooooo…I have to say it right then when he’s going to come back into the room at any second. We have a tendency to get the giggles even when looking death straight in the eye like Talullah had done but somehoe we were able to hold it together when he came back in. I think it’s because I was mesmerized by his mojo.

In the end we both lived through the experience of going to the gynecologist together. I was able to ask all the pertinent questions, while Talullah sat there “tore all to hell”, and make sure her health was fine. The ultimate outcome was that she would never again take birth control pills because of the risk of blood clots. If she was going to ride the Lone Ranger’s baloney pony that pony better be wearing a a good latex saddle. (Serious note: We all know this already, right? The only way to protect against creepy crawlies is to use condoms. I feel like my doctor is standing over my shoulder reading this as a write. She hawks condoms more than a Trojan vendor. Just one time I would love to hear her say something like: "You know to use the cock sock, right??" I would lay on the floor and roll around with laughter…really, I would!)

As we were leaving I noticed that the birds were singing a little louder, the sky was a little bluer, the sun was a little brighter, and I had this modified version of Mr. Rogers “Neighbor” song going through my mind…..

It's a beautiful day in this luvah-hood,

A beautiful day for a luvah,

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?

It's a luvah-ly day in this beautywood,

A luvah-ly day for a beauty,

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?

I have always wanted to have a luvah just like you,

I've always wanted to live in a luvah-hood with you.

So let's make the most of this beautiful day,

Since we're together,
we might as well say,

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?

Won't you be my luvah?

Won't you please,

Won't you please,

Please won't you be my luvah?

My friend would live and I was in a deep state of lust. Does it get any better than that without there being food involved??

Boom chicka out out...