A Love Story

My grandparents were married for 62 years. Wow!!! How’d they do that? Well they fought everyday of those 62 years that’s how. They yelled. They screamed. And my grandmother tried to scare my grandfather to death. Ahhhh...sweet love!!!

You see my Poppaw wasn’t in the best of health. He had emphysema and he had episodes commonly referred to as mini strokes. When he had mini strokes he would get confused and do unusual things…say weird things, pee in the kitchen floor, curse, etc. He couldn’t help it and he certainly wouldn’t have done anything like that normally.

My Mommaw had the patience of a week old baby. She would get furious at him when he had these episodes. Yeah that makes a lot of sense!!!! So she finally hatched a plan.

One night during one of his episodes she put on a coat and wrapped a scarf around her head. She sneaked out the back door and burst through the front door, into the living room where Poppaw was sitting with all intents and purposes of scaring him. Oh I forgot one little thing…she was toting a shotgun!!!

Yes, she had burst into the house, in a disguise, carrying a shotgun. Not only did she do this but she told her children. Some might say she was emotionally unstable but I think she was just mean.

This story puts The Notebook to shame. That was all fantasy…this shit is real.

Sixty two years! How did he stand it. He loved her...

Thank God I’m single!!!!

Chick out...

Oh and Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

I Love...

Well my friends, Valentines Day is upon us. Pardon me while I puke. Nah, I’ll just dry heave a bit. Last time I puked I peed on myself and I don’t want to have to clean up both ends right now so a good, deep, dry heave will suffice.

In honor of the day of luuuuuuuuve I’m give you this…one of my favorite childhood songs. I actually have this song on my mp3 player. Ruv it!!!

I Love by Tom T. Hall

I love little baby ducks,
old pick-up trucks,
slow-moving trains,
and rain.I love little country streams,
sleep without dreams,
sunday school in may,

and hay.
And I love you too

I love leaves in the wind,
pictures of my friends,
birds in the world,
and squirrels.I love coffee in a cup,
little fuzzy pups,
bourbon in a glass,
and grass
And I love you too.

I love honest open smiles,
kisses from a child,
tomatoes on the vine,
and onions.I love winners when they cry,
losers when they try,
music when it's good,
and life.

And I love you too.


Now for the Single Gal’s version. This one I do not have on my mp3 player. Maybe someday…

I love my new Roku,
a nice relaxing poo,
Glad Press & Seal,
And Kahlua Cream.
I love Cherry Coke Zero
a light menstrual flow,
my own curly locks,
and aloe-infused socks.
And I love you too.
I love Sirius Radio,
My best friend’s bent halo,
Yankee Candle scents,
and Facebook.
I love chocolate Klondike bars,
my Verizon DVR,
clinical-strength deodorant,
and sweatpants.
And I love you too.
I love TV Food Network,
Steve Martin in the Jerk,
single stream recycling,
and my Nook.
I love peanut butter pie,
flirtin’ with a guy,
4-inch whorish heels,
and “happy pills”.

And I love you too.

Have V Day everyone!!!!!!

Chick out...

Snow...glorious snow!!!

Apparently, this winter all of my neighbors in the Baltimore area and I have been very, very bad boys and girls. Normally, we might have one mediocre snow per winter season. This winter we’ve already had four snow events and the granddaddy of all storms is bearing down on us now.

I would like to go on the record and emphatically make the following statement ….SNOW CAN BITE MY FAT ASS!!!!

Remember when we were kids and snow was fun? We got out of school…played in the snow…built snowmen…holed up in the house and watched TV all day sipping cocoa. Ahhhh, the good old days. I never could understand why my parents hated snow so badly. Well now I comprehend completely because I’ve become one helluva snow hating bitch!

So it snows…then what? Play? I guffaw!!! I…still…have…to…work!!! I have to shovel snow like a damned mad woman zipped into a coat with the zipper stuck, which actually happened during the last storm..not fun and all I could think was that I was gonna have to cut myself out of the coat when I was through shoveling! Build a snowman?? I think not…I might kick the snowman in his snowballs!!!

I have to look at my gas and electric bill and shit my pants at the cost of running my heat during a snow storm with 20-30 MPH winds. Winds?? Snow?? The next thing you know, the friggin’ Bumble Beast from Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer will be stumbling down my street. If I see him I’m shooting the bastard, cutting him open, and crawling inside his warm, dead body for heat!!!!!

Now they’re calling for a storm that they’re measuring in feet of snow!!! WTF? I can hear the weather forecasters now, “Hey let’s really fuck with them! Screw"inches"…let’s tell them they’re getting 2 feet of snow with snow drifts up to 4 feet. Bwaaaa haaaa haaaa haaaaa!”

What happened to the fun that always accompanied snow? Fun died that’s what happened to Fun. He died around 1993, when I suffered through a blizzard in March while living in Tennessee. I cursed his name to the devil and he shriveled up and went straight to hell.

So that’s it…it’s all my fault…I killed Fun 18 years ago. Please accept my apologies and while you're at it…you people that still think snow is fun can bite my fat ass too.

Chick out…brrrrr…or should I say feet of brrrrr...

Crushed

When I was a little girl I had crushes on sooo many stars. You already know of my huge crush on Pernell Roberts (lying, rug wearing bastard who I forgave only in death). I also had crushes on the regulars like Shaun Cassidy, David Cassidy, Robbie Benson, Scott Baio…you know, the stuff all adolescent girls dreams are made of.

If he was every found in the pages of Tiger Beat Magazine I had a crush on him!! The walls of my bedroom were a shrine to so many long-haired mangy looking boys. I’m surprised my parents didn’t beat me for the damage I did to those walls with all the tape and push pins.

Now what I’m about to admit is somewhat freakish and embarrassing. You cannot hold this against me because I was only a child. Do you understand???? Here goes...there was a movie star that I was crazy about. He was half of a comedy team that made dozens of movies. I would sit there on Saturday and Sunday afternoons and watch these movies with my father and just swoon. I never had any posters of him on my walls because he was never in Tiger Beat.

Yes, I had a crush on the man who is famous for his “Hey lady!!” line. The man of my dreams was none other than…Jerry Lewis. What can I say? I’ve always been a sucker for a man who could make me laugh!!

Slightly embarrassed chick out…

Sad day...

In case you haven’t heard…Pernell Roberts (aka Adam, my Adam from Bonanza) passed away this past weekend at the age of 81. You might remember my love of Adam. In fact, I was crazy about him…even if he was old enough to be my grandfather and basically lied to me by wearing a toupee. Now he and his rug will be laid to rest and my little girl heart will break just a little more. RIP Adam…I forgive you for your hairless lie....

I hop on what?????

You’ve got to believe me because I could never make this shit up….

I once lived in Gastonia, North Carolina, which is just a stone’s throw from Charlotte. In Gastonia there is a International House of Pancakes. Yummy yummy yummy!!!! Unfortunately, this International House of Pancakes is located on Cox Road.

It’s fondly known as the IHOP on Cox.

I’m actually thinking of funding a low rate porno called I Hop on Cox. It will take place in an actual IHOP and the main characters will be named Steven Sausage and Pamela Pancakes. They’ll be sausage and pancake flippers by day but at night they’ll do interesting and flamboyantly filthy things with their sausage and pancakes. I’ll make a fortune!!!!

Okay…the part about me funding the porno is a lie because I would rather spend money on shoes. But the part about IHOP on Cox……totally true!!!!

Boom chicka out out…

Why "Single Gal" will never shop for a baby shower again...

I realized last week I’m lucky that I’m old enough that most of my friends have either birthed all the babies they want or chosen to be barren and childless. Thank you old and childless friends. I love ya more than peanut butter and chocolate!!!


One of my work husbands and his dear wife are about to become parents for the first time and I volunteered to go to Babies r Us and Target to get gifts from their registery from a group at work. I just knew that doing this would be sooooo easy. I was so damned wrong!!!!

First I tackled Babies r Us...it was a madhouse. Okay I'm exaggerating...it only became mad after I got there. I was overwhelmed by all the shit in that store. I was also overwhelmed by the kid riding a razor scooter around in there and by the man working there who looked like he should not be within 1000 feet of children under the age of 18. I wandered around like a drunken, lost woman and finally I saw something that was maybe definitely on the registery. I grabbed it and ran like hell out the door...well I did stop to pay for it. God help me!!!

Then I went to Target. Apparently, a tornado that only picked up baby accoutrement and accessories slammed through my Target and grabbed anything a human under the age of 6 months would wear, chew on, or poop in. This is where things get tricky. Were Hefty bags on the registry??? I swear to God it's the only thing they had left in the store.

As I left Target, only half the woman that had entered 30 minutes earlier, I thought to myself, "Self, I think Jack (whom I work with) would have had more success than you did." Then I realized that no, Jack would have just bought a huge box of condoms tossed it at them and said, "Dudes, don't ever let this happen again."

Chick the hell out...