Goodbye My Handsome Boy

Today I said goodbye to one of my best friends. His name was Pepper but I commonly called him “Handsome”. I knew that he had way more days behind them than he had in front of him...I just didn't know the end was so near.

He was my dear, sweet, handsome pup for 17 years. For the past year or so I’ve had to lift him into bed and he’d been a bit more careful when going up and down the steps. He wasn’t as steady on his feet anymore. He had lost most of his hearing.

From the time I left for work yesterday morning until I came home last night something drastic had happened. He wasn’t himself…he was confused and he wouldn’t eat. I stayed up with him all night and napped on the couch while he curled up behind my legs and slept like he was exhausted.

This morning I got up hoping that he would be okay but he wasn’t. He had problems standing and when I saw him trying to get a drink out of the water bowl and miss the bowl over and over again I knew that he had started his journey home.

I was able to get an appointment with his vet for this morning. I called at 6:30 and his appointment was at 9:40. I microwaved him 2 slices of bacon, which was his favorite food in the world. He gobbled down about 1 slice and had problems with that. Then I held him for the almost 3 hours until I had to take him in.

After we arrived at the animal hospital, the vet examined him and did some blood tests. Everything looked pretty normal but he was broken. She said that his problems appeared neurological.

I told her that it was time and she knew what I meant. She took him out of the room and put an IV line in. A vet tech brought him back and told me I was making the right choice. Then we were left alone for a few minutes.

I told him that I loved him

I thanked him for being a good friend and for being there for me for so many years.

I told him that I would miss him.

I told him that I wished I could fix him but I couldn’t.

I told him this was the best gift I could give him because I didn’t want him to suffer.

Then the vet came in and gave him his injection while I wrapped my arms around him and cried.

I told him goodbye and he slipped away.

Now I miss him and I will for the rest of my life.

Today the single gal’s heart broke but I know it will heal. I have 17 years worth of fond puppy memories to get me through it.

Happy Birthday!!!

Today is the birthday of the woman whom I call Mommy. Yes, I’m almost 42 years old and I still call my mother Mommy…get over it.

Allow me to introduce you to her….

She grew up in a holler just like Loretta Lynn and had to walk 2 miles to school…no joke!

She was born at home and weighed with chicken scales. Can we say hillbilly??

She met my daddy when she was dating his best friend. Yep, he stole her away from his best pal.

She was a secretary until I was born. This is back when secretaries still fetched coffee, wore skirts and heels and smoked at their desks.

She is the woman who brought me into the world and the one who can take me out of it and I know it.

She fought my natural curls for years then one day gave up and had my head sheared like a sheep.

She taught me to love books. Oh how I love books!!!

She urged to me follow my dreams. My dreams weren’t her dreams for me but she still urged me on.

She used to turn out all the lights at night and yell “Bloody bones!!!!” I would let loose a blood curdling scream then beg her to do it again.

She wore my ass out many times with a switch for misbehaving but was the first to give me a hug when I did well.

She taught me how to drive and never laughed at me when I wrecked the driver’s ed car.

She helped hold me together when my father was dying and I returned the favor when he passed away and she fell apart.

She’s wrecked 3 times in the past 4 years. She hit her house twice and her van with her truck once. All accidents happened in her driveway. I make fun of her for this…daily!

She used to paint Mrs. Butterworth syrup bottles and made hats for them.

She once dropped a 2L bottle of Pepsi then immediately opened it. She had to mop the floors and wash the walls of two rooms.

She tells me that neither of her children are her favorite but I know the truth. She loves me more…really she does!

She used to sew the most fashionable polyester outfits for me.

She asks me every time I talk to her if I have a cold…EVERY SINGLE TIME!

She has as crush on Simon Baker, star of The Mentalist.

She is addicted to her laptop.

She had the birds and bees talk with me when I was about thirteen. She told me to “keep my knees together and my skirt down” and that was it.

She told me that it wasn’t the end of the world when I failed Organic Chemistry in college. She was right…I’ve been a chemist for almost 20 years now.

She is the woman who my nephew calls by her first name and has for over 20 years now.

She makes the best biscuits and gravy in the world.

She can never remember the name of any movie…ever!

She is a Facebook voyeur.

She has no idea my blog exists because she would die of a heart attack if she read some of the things I write.

And finally….today is her birthday and I love her.

Chick out…

No..no way..nu uh...

Tonight I will put my pajamas on backward and wrong side out.

I will dance around singing unintelligible chants,

I will dye my hair purple,

I will burn all my panties in a bonfire,

I will hop on one foot while sucking my thumb,

I will wear 3 bras to bed,

I will run through my neighborhood wearing nothing but leather chaps,

I will dance the hustle in the middle of my living room for 3 non-stop hours,

I will smear a dozen raw eggs on my feet, and

I will pierce my belly button with a Cheerio.

Why am I doing these things? I'm practicing hillbilly voodoo to keep the snow away.

Please Old Man Winter...I beg you to pack your icy, snowy bags and get the fuck out of town. I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

Chick out...

Google

Did you know that the word google is now a verb?

Google: to use the Google search engine to obtain information about (as a person) on the World Wide Web

We all use the word. I google all the time. I’m almost a professional googler! Looking for a fact? Google it! Can’t think of that movie where Mel Gibson was battling aliens? Google it!

I lubs me some Google!!

The other day I received the following email message from one of my friends: “Bobby (not his real name) decided to type ‘sex’ into Google. He's not to happy right now.”

You see Bobby is his 11 year old son. It’s 2010..he was curious about sex so he googled it, of course. Why wouldn’t he? We google everything else! He didn’t google “naked woman” or “boobs” or anything like that. He actually wanted to know what sex was. Of course, his search directed him to all sorts of porn sites, which he did check out, so I guess he was googling and oogling. Bobby's mom apparently freaked out. Her baby was looking an lewd pictures!!! I think she’s currently suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and curls up in the fetal position whenever she hears the gentle tap of fingers on a keyboard and screams when she lays eyes on words such as pussy cat and pussy willow.

I think Bobby is lucky. I didn’t have Google when I was 11 years old. All I had was the encyclopedia with the plastic flip pages of the human body and a lame book my mother ordered that told you about dating, puberty, and growing pubic hair. Wow!!! Woo Hoo!!! Pubic hair!!!

Hell, for years, I thought babies grew out of a woman’s belly button. My mother’s sex talk with me consisted of “Keep you skirt down and your knees together”. What the hell? I’m surprised I’m even a functioning member of the damned society!!

Since this event one of my favorite phrases is “googling sex”. Ask me what I'm up to and I'm liable to say, “Oh I’m just googling sex!” For some reason it makes me laugh.

So google to your heart’s content…but don’t google sex…

Chick out…and googling…

A Love Story

My grandparents were married for 62 years. Wow!!! How’d they do that? Well they fought everyday of those 62 years that’s how. They yelled. They screamed. And my grandmother tried to scare my grandfather to death. Ahhhh...sweet love!!!

You see my Poppaw wasn’t in the best of health. He had emphysema and he had episodes commonly referred to as mini strokes. When he had mini strokes he would get confused and do unusual things…say weird things, pee in the kitchen floor, curse, etc. He couldn’t help it and he certainly wouldn’t have done anything like that normally.

My Mommaw had the patience of a week old baby. She would get furious at him when he had these episodes. Yeah that makes a lot of sense!!!! So she finally hatched a plan.

One night during one of his episodes she put on a coat and wrapped a scarf around her head. She sneaked out the back door and burst through the front door, into the living room where Poppaw was sitting with all intents and purposes of scaring him. Oh I forgot one little thing…she was toting a shotgun!!!

Yes, she had burst into the house, in a disguise, carrying a shotgun. Not only did she do this but she told her children. Some might say she was emotionally unstable but I think she was just mean.

This story puts The Notebook to shame. That was all fantasy…this shit is real.

Sixty two years! How did he stand it. He loved her...

Thank God I’m single!!!!

Chick out...

Oh and Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

I Love...

Well my friends, Valentines Day is upon us. Pardon me while I puke. Nah, I’ll just dry heave a bit. Last time I puked I peed on myself and I don’t want to have to clean up both ends right now so a good, deep, dry heave will suffice.

In honor of the day of luuuuuuuuve I’m give you this…one of my favorite childhood songs. I actually have this song on my mp3 player. Ruv it!!!

I Love by Tom T. Hall

I love little baby ducks,
old pick-up trucks,
slow-moving trains,
and rain.I love little country streams,
sleep without dreams,
sunday school in may,

and hay.
And I love you too

I love leaves in the wind,
pictures of my friends,
birds in the world,
and squirrels.I love coffee in a cup,
little fuzzy pups,
bourbon in a glass,
and grass
And I love you too.

I love honest open smiles,
kisses from a child,
tomatoes on the vine,
and onions.I love winners when they cry,
losers when they try,
music when it's good,
and life.

And I love you too.


Now for the Single Gal’s version. This one I do not have on my mp3 player. Maybe someday…

I love my new Roku,
a nice relaxing poo,
Glad Press & Seal,
And Kahlua Cream.
I love Cherry Coke Zero
a light menstrual flow,
my own curly locks,
and aloe-infused socks.
And I love you too.
I love Sirius Radio,
My best friend’s bent halo,
Yankee Candle scents,
and Facebook.
I love chocolate Klondike bars,
my Verizon DVR,
clinical-strength deodorant,
and sweatpants.
And I love you too.
I love TV Food Network,
Steve Martin in the Jerk,
single stream recycling,
and my Nook.
I love peanut butter pie,
flirtin’ with a guy,
4-inch whorish heels,
and “happy pills”.

And I love you too.

Have V Day everyone!!!!!!

Chick out...

Snow...glorious snow!!!

Apparently, this winter all of my neighbors in the Baltimore area and I have been very, very bad boys and girls. Normally, we might have one mediocre snow per winter season. This winter we’ve already had four snow events and the granddaddy of all storms is bearing down on us now.

I would like to go on the record and emphatically make the following statement ….SNOW CAN BITE MY FAT ASS!!!!

Remember when we were kids and snow was fun? We got out of school…played in the snow…built snowmen…holed up in the house and watched TV all day sipping cocoa. Ahhhh, the good old days. I never could understand why my parents hated snow so badly. Well now I comprehend completely because I’ve become one helluva snow hating bitch!

So it snows…then what? Play? I guffaw!!! I…still…have…to…work!!! I have to shovel snow like a damned mad woman zipped into a coat with the zipper stuck, which actually happened during the last storm..not fun and all I could think was that I was gonna have to cut myself out of the coat when I was through shoveling! Build a snowman?? I think not…I might kick the snowman in his snowballs!!!

I have to look at my gas and electric bill and shit my pants at the cost of running my heat during a snow storm with 20-30 MPH winds. Winds?? Snow?? The next thing you know, the friggin’ Bumble Beast from Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer will be stumbling down my street. If I see him I’m shooting the bastard, cutting him open, and crawling inside his warm, dead body for heat!!!!!

Now they’re calling for a storm that they’re measuring in feet of snow!!! WTF? I can hear the weather forecasters now, “Hey let’s really fuck with them! Screw"inches"…let’s tell them they’re getting 2 feet of snow with snow drifts up to 4 feet. Bwaaaa haaaa haaaa haaaaa!”

What happened to the fun that always accompanied snow? Fun died that’s what happened to Fun. He died around 1993, when I suffered through a blizzard in March while living in Tennessee. I cursed his name to the devil and he shriveled up and went straight to hell.

So that’s it…it’s all my fault…I killed Fun 18 years ago. Please accept my apologies and while you're at it…you people that still think snow is fun can bite my fat ass too.

Chick out…brrrrr…or should I say feet of brrrrr...