Oh no she didn't...

When I called my mother last night she read me every single movie on her Netflix instant watch queue. There had to be over 100 movies. I wanted to strangle myself.

It's sort of like when she goes online to noaa.gov from 500 miles away to tell me what my weather is like. Umm....yeah, I can look out the fucking window...

Chick out...*sigh*

Talk the talk, walk the walk, and stalk the stalk

I haven’t posted in a couple weeks. Talullah’s father has been in the hospital and I haven’t been in the mood to write anything. Of course, his hospital stay did result in a hilarious story. We just can’t escape hilarity even when illness drags us down!!

Let me give you a bit of back story….

When we were in college Talullah had a huge crush on a guy in one of her classes. I’ll call him John Mann. When were in college she talked about him all the time….John Mann did this…John Mann said this…John Mann shit and it didn’t stink…that kind of thing. She was definitely smitten.

So back to present day..

Talullah was sitting in her father’s hospital room when his doctor walked in. His doctor was none other than…*drum roll*… John Mann!!!! Talullah’s heart fluttered and her girlie parts started to moan!! John Mann…man of her dreams, circa 1990…was face to face with her…now…today…a medical doctor!! What do you think she did????

Well she said something like “Well if it’s not John Mann!!” She then rattled off a list of 20 year old facts to him that forever etched her in his brain as a fucking stalker.

We were in this class together.
You sat here and I sat there.
Remember when you wore the red shirt?
You smelled so good.

Then she ran over and licked him. Okay…that’s a lie but I’ll bet in her mind she licked him!!!

She said that during her diatribe she realized that she sounded stalkerish so she started throwing out names of his friends so she wouldn’t seem so weird. Yeah that made things better. I informed her that when she did that it made it look like she stalked not only him but his friends as well.

So what came of the reunion? Well I think she went to a costume shop and rented a nurse’s costume so she could follow him around for the remainder of the day without being detected. She stuck out like a sore thumb though because nurses don’t wear the uniforms anymore and even if they did they’ve never worn garter belts and fishnet stockings with them. I guess she should have specified that she didn’t want the naughty nurse costume.

Nah, actually she didn’t see him anymore after he left the room. Honestly, I think she freaked him out and he tried to avoid her after that. Who could blame him. She talked the talk, walked the walk, and stalked the stalk. That would scare the shit out of any man I know…

Chick out…

Sometimes I amaze myself...

My friends are always making fun of words and phrases that I make up and use. Whoda thunk one would come to me in a dream?? Amazing!!!

I won’t go into the entire dream but here is the important part. We were on a field trip for work. Our 60 year old PhD scientist busted one of the guys for getting a blow job while on the trip. He referred to him as the “blow Joe culprit”.

Blow Joe Culprit!! I love it and I’m gonna use that phrase for a long, long time. Who knew I was a genius of nasty vernacular…even in my dreams??? Sometimes I amaze myself.

I'm not sure what the hell is going on in my crazy, sleeping brain this week but I'm enjoying it.

Chick out…

Huh???

Last night I dreamed that I washed my face...with a piece of ham!!! What the hell is wrong with me???

Chick out...oink oink...

The Idiot Dreams of her Future Life

The other day I saw someone driving a Jaguar and it jogged my memory to what I thought my present life would be like when I envisioned it about 20 years ago.

The year was 1990. I was a goofball trying to find my way through college. Originally, I had decided that if I had to go to college I would only get a 2 year degree. I opted for a data processing program at a local community college. I can tell you this much about data processing…it was boring and I hated it and to this day I still have no idea what data processors actually do.

After a year of that nonsense, I went ahead and switched to science because I decided I wanted to be a physical therapist. The same idiot that hated school so badly that she only wanted to go to college for 2 years decided she wanted to go for 7 more. I was a stupid asshole but woowee zowee…I was going to be rolling in the moolah and that’s all that mattered!!!! My dream car was a Jaguar. Oh wait…I can take it one step cheesier…it was going to have vanity plates….”JAGGED”. Dear Jesus! How ridiculous but I thought it was killer awesome!!! Just like big hair, stirrup pants, and Milli Vanilli….KILLER AWESOME!!!

There was one drawback to the whole physical therapist thing. Did you know that physical therapists have to touch people??? Shit!! I never thought of that until I actually spent time observing a physical therapist, which was a requirement for applying to a physical therapy school…thank God!! Massaging and rubbing on strangers. Forget all the schooling!!! I could have been a high class hooker and made a shitload more money. Problem was that I figured my parents wouldn’t approve. Prudes!!

Okay so I didn’t want to rub people for money. What could I do??? Fuck if I knew! I was completely and totally lost.

Here is what I decided to do. I wouldn’t tell anyone that I didn’t want to be a physical therapist, I would go ahead and transfer to a four-year university school, and I would enter a pre-physical therapy program to prepare academically for entering physical therapy school.

Makes sense right??? Made a hell of a lot of sense to me. At that point in my life I was pretty much equivalent to a demented circus monkey.

To be continued….

Chick out…

Summa Time Haiku

My friend Leilani loves the haiku. In honor of her I've penned a few about this wretched, hot-ass weather we've been enduring.

The sun is boiling

The car seat burns my fat ass

My soul screams and melts

**

The sun bites my ass

Mother Nature is a bitch

I kick her ass...POW

**

I drown in sunscreen

Freckles pop out all over

I'm pale as a corpse

**

Yum, watermelon

Get in my big mouth right now

Makes me pee pee lots

**

Custard from Rita's

Sun so hot it melts too fast

Oops drips on my boobs

Chick out...

Mind of a Mad Woman

You think I have an overactive imagination? A recent news story brought to mind a fantasy my friend Talullah once had. I like to say that she has the mind of a mad woman. Saying she's crazy is really just downright rude.

I'm sure you've heard the recent news about Mel Gibson* slapping around his girlfriend...the mother of his 47th child? Okay maybe he doens't have 47 children but he's got a shitload of spawn. I can only hope none of them turn out like him.

My how the mighty have fallen. It's hard to believe that the anti-semetic, abusive, whack job ever made the panties of so many females quiver. He did though. I don't know a single woman that didn't melt for him about a decade ago.

Talullah was crazy about him. I once asked if she could have anyone sing at her birthday and her answer was Mel Gibson. I just looked at her with a scowl and she said, "Well you didn't say it had to be a singer." *sigh* She had a point.

Back to her fantasy. She once fantasized that she was driving along and was pulled over. Who should walk up to her car? None other than Officer Mel Gibson!!

What do you think she did? I'm gonna give you three guesses...

Does your first guess Talullah unbuttoning her shirt and showing Officer Gibson her cleavage??? Well, you're wrong! As Talullah so elegantly put it one time...she's got nothing to cleave.

Does your second guess involve Talullah performing sexual acts on Officer Gibson???? Well, you're wrong!! I'm not sure why but that was not the first thing to come to her mind.

Does your third guess involve Talullah pulling a gun on Officer Gibson??? Ding! Ding! Ding!

We asked her what she did at that point and her answer was "nothing, that's it." What the fuck! She fantasizes about being pulled over by Mel Gibson and the big climax is her pulling a gun on him?? Mind of a man woman!! Mind of a mad woman!!!

I'm not sure which is more weird--her fantasy or the fact that she told her friends who would never forget and who would bring it up over and over again for years and probably include it in her eulogy when she finally passes over to whatever awaits her in the afterlife.

Knowing what we know now I guess maybe Talullah was a prophet. She knew a long time ago that the pig deserved to have a cap popped in his ass even if she secretly wanted to bite his ass instead.

Chick out...

*Note: The attached picture of Mel Gibson is from when he was still hot. He now looks like he's been bitched slapped by a jackhammer. I just couldn't bear to use a recent picture even if he is bat shit crazy.